I didn't send it...

It was one of those days
itchy, horny, restless,
needful..

I wanted a audience
just one adoring fan
a witness to my pleasure
unhidden
unashamed
a watcher
someone who wouldn't tunr a way
or wrinkle up their nose
or tell me to get get over it.

Not a stranger
I'm too average for chat roullette or cam frog
or random off-getting.
i wanted a friend

I ask too much of my friends, I know
I make requests too late in the evening
i respond after the phone has been silenced
or when the mood is gone or the tide is red
or when they are at work in the middle of a spreadsheet
with no energy
time
privacy
or interest to pull away to watch
my gruesome display

So i pulled out my phone
and hit record
and started
body just outside of the frame,
i waited, aimed, and taped
there was so much of it
opalescent, spilled, wasted, enjoyed
and I hit stop

but I couldn't send it
so much is lost in the context
a shared moment of passion morphs
twists
decays
as it ages and slinks through the interweb and in to her in-box
it becomes... something else

suddenly if feels wrong
but my thumb hovers
undecided
conflicted
but ultimately cowardly

and it is gone.
and i vanish
for one more day.