I have menstrual rage and EVERYONE MUST KNOW ABOUT IT.

I am displeased.

It is that time of the day? week? month? I don't know. My body is so strange and irregular in all aspects that I never know when the demonic blood fury will come on me. That sounds waaaaay cooler than it is...

No, I'm just downright pissed. This is such bullshit. I love my husband dearly, and I am not a man-hater, but this isn't FAIR, girls!

Men do not have to bleed every month. They do not have horrid bloat and zits that mysteriously appear from nowhere and enough hormones to scare a hippo every single time Aunt Flo comes to visit. They can pee standing up, and if you don't think that's neat you have never tried to pee in the woods at night while camping.

Men do not have children, and thus do not have the hemorrhoids, incontinence, mastitis, post-partum depression and so forth that accompany this Blessed And Wondrous Experience. (Granted, I'm not going to have kids either, but I am ENRAGED and therefore immune to logic.) Also, in an evolutionary sense, men can have completely risk-free sex. They are not the ones who will be stuck with said Blessed And Wondrous Experience. You can tell I mean it because I used italics and some capital letters. They can jam their dick in a few times and then scamper off to go write their names in the snow and spear mastodon(s?) or whatever while the girl is stuck wondering if her dad will be mad and whether someone is going to invent canned beans and Ramen before the snow flies, because everybody knows that when you think you might end up barefoot and pregnant you are forced to contemplate subsisting solely on canned beans and Ramen.

Why do I crave so much chocolate? WHY? I am not normally this much of a fiend for the cacao bean, I swear it. I like a bit of chocolate after dinner usually, but these days I'm like a ravening monster for the magical brown stuff. I'm sure this isn't contributing positively to my horrible Zit In Residence. It's probably a vicious cycle, one that I am currently unwilling to break, because Cupcake Royale still has Deathcakes through the 14th. What is the solution to this horrible problem? Let's spell it out like they do on Sesame Street (maybe? I haven't watched since I was 6): W-E-I-G-H-T W-A-T-C-H-E-R-S.

How do I get so fat so QUICKLY? It's like I'm some sort of medical miracle. I'm going along fine, just minding my own, zit-free business, when WHAM I suddenly weigh exactly three pounds more and I forgot to do laundry for like a week, so all I have are Horrible Fat Pants, so I wear the Horrible Fat Pants and feel even worse. Three pounds does not sound like a lot, but I tell you it feels like you've suddenly packed on a preschooler when it happens overnight. I keep drinking liquids, but I just sort of stop peeing, and bingo! We have a winner! Sudden bloat, at your service.

I am vengeful. I need to find something to smash. Yet I am also cheap and greedy. I do not want to break anything I actually like or will have to pay to replace. Decisions, decisions.

On the up side, the bloat and bad skin always go away after the wonderful leaking begins, and I suppose that kind of makes me a little happier, but I'm still so grouchy about the whole thing that I can't really give these improvements the kind of appreciation they deserve. At least with hot flashes and stuff you don't have to jam tubes of cotton batting up in yourself all the time and maybe the zits will finally quit making an appearance.

Come on, menopause!

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A quiet week

  

My friends are all on vacation, not all of them, but several.  I’m on vacation too.  One friend who’s not on vacation is crazy busy at work and so never writes to me except to apologize for not writing.  Another is at home, but so is her boyfriend, so writing time and privacy is tight.  One is in the mountains, one is in the countryside, one is tucked away in a hotel room getting beaten silly by her lover.  I don’t have a big circle of close friends, just a handful that keep me sane and centered, aroused and interested.

I miss them when I’m gone, when they are gone.  While I’ve been out of work I’ve needed encouragement, distraction, support, and guidance.  I should have more friends in person.  I don’t pursue friends very well; I don’t care enough to make the connections to be “friends.”  It’s just not worth the bother.  My on-line friendships that have lasted have a mix of friendship, sexuality, flirting, mutual need, and good technology.  I appreciate all aspects of these relationships.  They are important to me.

A side note.  When I was in college I had my first serious adult girlfriend.  It was strange though, she was coming out of a bad family situation, we had different views religiously, she challenged my notion of morals, we fell in love while never admitting it, and she was the first girl I ever held naked in my arms.  It ook us a while to admit it, but I remember holding her in bed one night. We were in her apartment, on her bed, and she asked me how it felt to be in a relationship.  “A relationship?”  At the time it seemed so serous.  But I like being in relationships now, I like having those connections that go beyond an eyebrow raise, a handshake, a high five, or even a wry smile and a knowing look. I like being connected to the women in my life.

Each one makes a difference, plays a different role, and helps me in a different way.  I love them all.  When I’m away like this, though temporary, it highlights how my life is enriched by the people around me.  That’s the point, I guess, of much of life, is to connect to people, to build relationships.

As I try to start a small business, everyone talks about building relationships.  But how many small business men want to talk dirty to me on the phone and play on Skype?  Without that ice breaker how am I to get things going?

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