I finally came up with a post idea.

I KNOW! I can't believe it either.

As I was waking up from my incredibly long and detailed dream this morning, watching it fall into shreds around my mind instead of holding together, I reflected on what I believe to be the success of this drug I'm on. It's been a couple months now since I started taking the Prazosin, and I have not had a single one of those dreadful dreams. I've had a few gory ones and several where I woke up wreathed in sweat (this morning was one of those), but none of them have the overwhelming sense of fear and horror that usually accompanies my nightmares. I had one day that I spent consumed with dread that we were all going to die at the close of the year, but it faded after that day. It's amazing how convincing your own mind can be, despite the lack of any type of proof for its convictions.

For those who don't know, I've had terrifying nightmares with obnoxious frequency ever since I was little, and it seemed that nothing would get rid of them. Sometimes they would leave me almost unable to function for a day, the sense of dread and trauma was so strong. Basically it was like having PTSD without actually being in a war.

Since taking the drug, I've had one dream where the flesh was hanging off my hands in shreds and others where I know I was fighting, being hunted, and killing to stay alive (last night was one of those), but the details fall apart when I wake up and they're no longer able to haunt me. At least, that is how it is so far. I'm really hoping it's the drug that's made this difference. I intend to keep taking it for the foreseeable future. If the dreams return, I'll see about trying something else or upping the dosage, but for right now it seems to be working. A drug that gets rid of godawful nightmares but has no awful side effects like regular psychotropic meds? I'll take it.

Tangentially, I've decided that I'd rather have a bow as my prize for swimming two miles than a dress. I have lots of dresses, and that one's pretty damn cute, but I'd rather add another weapon to my arsenal. When you are fighting for your life every night in dreams, whether you remember them in the morning or not, it helps to get as much of an advantage as you can during the daylight hours. It seems stupid, but it really does work. After I took up martial arts and became fairly proficient, my hand-to-hand combat skills in dreams improved immensely. Same with learning to shoot guns. I'm planning on adding throwing knives and bows to the list, but these will take time. Both to afford and to gain proficiency in.

So that's the new goal to shoot for (get it? hah). Two miles swum in a single session and I can get a bow, some arrows, and start saving for training. My ankle is healing up as I type this, and I'm hopeful that next week will see me back in the pool. Even if I never actually hunt with the bow, I'll still gain the skills to use it, and I'm hoping those will carry over into my dreams.

I'm planning on working in an actual hunting trip with my grandparents and parents hopefully this fall. We'll see if I can get the time off. I don't think I'll be able to afford an out of state tag (they live in Montana, the hunter's paradise), and I haven't got room for all the meat a kill would yield anyway (I'd give it to my folks if I did), but I can at least go along for the experience and gain some valuable lessons to apply inside my dreams.

It's a lot easier to survive when you're the hunter instead of the hunted. I'm tired of being a victim, even if it happens less now than it used to. I don't ever want to go back to that.

I intend to become the hunter inside my own mind.