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The doctor wanted me to keep a mood journal

So I have. And it's a wee bit disturbing...

Tuesday Dec 11 feeling of vertigo/dissociative experience

Friday Dec 14 feeling that horrible things were going to happen, panicking, then anger

Monday Dec 17 near panic attack at piano

Thursday Dec 20 anger then fingernails/knife on left arm, 1/2 Klonopin

Monday Dec 24 nightmare with There Is A Hell written on wall in blood, fires, dismembered bodies twitching in cages hung from ceiling

Tuesday Dec 25 nightmare with spitting out puddles of blood, being attacked, screaming, dissociative feeling, trying to slap self into waking up after realizing it was a dream. 

Wednesday & Thursday Dec 26-27 Yelling in my brain for hours, fighting with itself about wanting and not wanting to be dead, plus song lyrics and random other things, then about 2:30pm on Thursday it shut up and it's been peaceful all evening, much improved mood.

Somehow it all looks a lot worse written down, which is kind of strange. Maybe because then I can't forget how rapidly all these things happen. Time seems to blur together when I'm in a horrible mood, and all the days melt together into a black slurry.

I felt a lot better after the end of that brain-yelling business yesterday, and I feel positively healthy today. It's like the badness just evaporated for the time being. My arm is healing up, and everything looks much brighter for me. Yay! I wish this awful shit would just go away, but after 32 years of it I am not expecting it to do that anytime soon. Anyway, it's all a lot more manageable with Patrick around. I'm grateful for him.

This weekend we might see about going to get some trekking poles and packs. Patrick has quite a few gig checks coming in, and we want to be able to go hiking even when it's soggy. I want to climb up to Camp Muir by the end of next summer, so we need to go on a bunch of conditioning hikes first in order to get in good enough shape to not murder ourselves going up from Paradise.
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