I have to say THANK YOU to all the wonderful people who responded in comments in private about my "Sunday Sadness" post. Your sincere concern and statements of faith, and of comfort in non-belief, remind me of how many wonderful friends I have in blog-land.
The expressions of support are heartwarming and appreciated.
I also want to let you know that I'm not as depressed as I sound, but in admitting that, I have to admit other things. When I blog I try to get to the heart of the matter. The questions raised, both on Sunday and in other posts, are real and immediate to me as I'm writing them. This does not mean, however, that I am in crisis mode as I write. Because I follow wonderful writers, who write wonderful posts, I get to thinking and I get in to question mode.
This is where I start to question things, to say aloud the thoughts my lips cannot say in public, in front of church friends, my spouse, my family, my in-laws, pastor, priest, or therapist. My blog is a place for me to write uncensored blather at times, and in prospective introspection (PI). So what does “prospective introspection” mean?
It means I want to think crisis-level thoughts before they become a crisis. I want to anticipate what my thoughts might be before I need to think them. We teach this to kids, firefighters, and athletes all the time, we practice reacting to situations before they come up. I like to do this mentally, it keeps me out of trouble, and, when in trouble, I already know what to say.
For our kids, we call it role-play:
Do you want a cigarette? – No, I’m choosing not to smoke because it’s bad for me and I don’t want to smell like death for the rest of my life.
Do you want a beer? – No thanks, I don’t drink, but I’m glad you invited me to your party; does anyone need a ride home?
Wanna fuck? – Ewh, ick, are you kidding Mr. Penicillin man? (I have daughters)
The question of faith came up because another blogger admitted to questioning her own faith, so I start the PI. I think down the road, I anticipate the conversation with my wife, priest, and family.
Why don’t you go to church anymore? – It no longer meets my needs and I feel my priorities shifting.
Do you believe in God at all? – I’m not sure. If God is real, maybe I need to find a new way to relate to him/her/it.
Are you going to raise your kids in the church? – For now, yes, they find joy in their belief and I will not take that away from them, and I still believe that the moral code is well taught and I think it makes them better people.
I try to think this stuff through before the actual crisis comes up.
I don’t want my blogging to be seen as “Crying Wolf” emotionally. The friendship I get is sincere and I don’t want you to think that I’m writing to get a reaction or sympathy when none is needed at the moment.
When I write, I will always try to ask honest questions and share the thoughts that are running through my deranged little brain. I will also try to let you know if I’m really sad, or just if I’m just anticipating the sadness yet to come.
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