oncall sex for life: stress

Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts

Panic and stress and anxiety, oh my!

I do not know what my deal is lately. I think these pills that I take do help with the nightmares, but they don't seem to do jack for the every day anxiety, and that has been really high lately. I've had two more panic attacks since the one that Patrick took me to the beach for, one last Wednesday and one yesterday, and they are mighty tiresome. Literally, as you are exhausted afterward. Even being out in downtown Seattle yesterday with a moderate amount of people milling around was starting to freak me out.

Maybe it's just that time of year? Maybe I have a huge source of unrealized stress that I don't know about? I'm not sure what it is. Usually I can point to specific events that are the cause of actual attacks, but I don't know where this constantly heightened anxiety is coming from. I wish I did. Since it's the time of year to return to the gym, we'll see if that helps matters any. Honestly, I doubt it. I woke up at 6:30am today and couldn't get back to sleep because my brain wouldn't shut up. Maybe it is just time for a wave of anxiety and it will go away in a little while, the way those nightmares and depression used to come in waves and then recede.

In better news, I tried some solid shampoo from Lush, called Trichomania, and it seems to work great in my hair! Solid shampoo is a weird idea for me, but it works. You use it basically like soap, but on your hair. You get both the bar and your hands pretty wet, then smoosh it around in your hands until you have about what would be considered slightly too much lotion for your hands. Then work the shampoo through your hair. Trichomania feels really creamy and smooth in my hair, honestly better than the conditioner! And it smells great, but then I love the smell of coconut.

This is shampoo. Who'd have thought?

With approximately one month to go until I'm 32

Here are some things I have learned (all of these are vastly generalized, most of them from years ago, and none of these are directed at anyone who reads this, okay?):

1) People don't really like forgiveness. Oh, they love the principle of it. And when it's directed at themselves. But just try forgiving someone for anything more than a minor slight and see what people tell you. Chances are, you will get an awful lot of flak along the lines of: "Why didn't you stand up for yourself?" "Have some self respect!" "You can't let so and so walk all over you." "I can't believe you're being such a pushover." (and so forth) The entire business makes me roll my eyeballs so hard there's genuine danger of them becoming stuck in the back of my head, and then I go ahead and forgive whomever it was anyway. Because there are quite a few things in this life that are not worth losing a relationship over. This means you sometimes need to apologize for stuff you didn't do, and you need to suck up your pride now and then. Some people are not worth it, I agree. But quite a few are, and salvaging those relationships will make your life richer, even if you don't like taking the blame for something that wasn't your fault. Also, people can change, and if you don't forgive them and repair the relationship, you will never know if the way they changed might have made all the difference.

2) You can't do everything you set your mind to, regardless of what people tell you for a couple decades while you're younger and therefore more naive. You must get a grip and be realistic. This isn't to say you can't achieve amazing things. But you can't do everything. Some things require actual natural talent. Others take an entire lifetime to achieve. Realistically, we all have a finite span here on this planet, and we simply cannot do everything before it's up. Nor do we have all the native talent for every single thing we can conceive of doing. I, for one, will never be a professional golfer. THERE. I SAID IT.

3) Letting stuff go (or paying for it, if it's some sort of actual horrible crime) is the only way to successfully move forward. I say this as someone who has spent a lot of time dwelling on stupid, pointless garbage, so I know what I'm talking about. I'm not any good at forgiving myself for things, but I have to just let them go anyway. Dumb things I did years ago, stuff I still feel guilty about, will drown my days in stress and self-condemnation if I let it. And, say it with me, there is NOTHING I can do about it now. It's done. And in all likelihood, the people involved have long since forgotten I even existed. Just throw it in your mental trashcan and slam the lid down, then stick a crowbar through the lid and side handles.

4) I at least am really ungrateful for my body, and I should wise the hell up. I'd imagine this probably applies to a lot of people who don't like the way they look. I've always wanted to be one of those really thin, delicate types who looks graceful no matter what fool thing she's wearing (chunky sweater, burlap sack, jeggings, tarp). But this is never ever ever going to happen. No matter what. I think my skeleton is too big to look good in any of that stuff. And seriously, I need to get real. These legs of mine have carted my ungrateful carcass up and down mountainsides, miles and miles. They've lifted nearly 300 pounds at one time, moved furniture, won karate matches, and climbed trees. So what that they don't look tiny in a skirt I shouldn't be wearing anyway? I need to learn to love and appreciate myself. I don't want to be one of those people who doesn't figure that out until she's 90 and is about ready to kick it. I am healthy and strong, and I would miss this strength if it were gone. One gets used to having a certain amount of it, and I would feel helpless if I couldn't do the things I can do now.

So legs, I'm sorry for having felt poorly about you in the past. I'm going to try to remember how awesome you are going forward.

Forgive me?

Back pain, ad nauseam (plus bonus octopus piano)

Hi, blog readers! I thought I'd let you know what went on with my appointments. At the doctor's office yesterday, he thought it was a rhomboid muscle injury. So he prescribed muscle relaxers, Vicodin with Tylenol added, and physical therapy. I took the meds last night, and they knocked me out.

This morning I went to physical therapy, and it turns out that my right arm isn't working correctly. It has about half the strength of my left, and it fatigues way too quickly. There appears to be something wrong with my tricep.

I'd also been having my hands go numb when sitting up reading, and the last two fingers on my right hand go numb when using a mouse/keyboard for too long, along with nerve shocks up my right arm. I laid off the video games, and the two finger numbness/nerve shock business stopped. The numbness from reading continued.

The therapist thinks it's a pinched nerve. They put electrodes on me and did some electrical muscle stimulation, along with heat, and I'm supposed to rest, take the meds, do stretching, walk a bit to increase blood flow, and have three more physical therapy appointments. She did a bit of massage as well to try and loosen it up.

Afterward, my back was screaming, so I just went home and took more meds. They'll probably knock me out again soon, but I wanted to let you know what was going on. I hope this gets resolved with meds and therapy. I really don't want to have more surgery.

According to the therapist, 90% of nerve pinching cases are resolved without surgery. Watch me be the 10% who needs it... It's the family way! hah

When I feel better, I'll post pictures of this stuffed octopus-covered piano I saw yesterday. It's fascinating.

Update: pain is down enough now for the pictures to be added. This piece was titled Octavia Rises, and the pictures are in pretty high def, so if you can't see them clearly on here, right click and save, then open using your own program. Enjoy!