Post 1046

Thank you all for your kind words about my anxiety. They are much appreciated! I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow at 3:45 to discuss it, and I hope something good comes of it. My friend Rei had a lot of excellent suggestions for medications, and I will definitely be asking about those. Something to take every day to reduce general anxiety would be good, plus something to take occasionally for the panic attacks. And maybe I wouldn't even have to take it every day, if the anxiety comes in waves every couple months or so, just when it's bad. I'm not sure, but that's why I'm going! Also because I don't have a prescription pad.

I hate these attacks. Usually they consist of sobbing, breathing problems (my throat closes up), shaking, shivering, wanting to crawl into a hole and cover myself with a blanket, etc. It's like some sort of awful flower blooming in your head. You can feel it growing and swelling and your eyes get more and more terrified, and then it explodes into bloom and you're so freaked out that you can't even cry right because your throat is closing up on you, and everything seems to be way too much, you want to scream but there's no air, and so forth. Even when the attacks aren't happening, I have a very low threshold for stimulation that I can stand. Too many colors and sounds will overwhelm me and make the anxiety start creeping over me. There is so much fear just being out in public. I've found myself avoiding certain stores (or all stores, sometimes) because they're just too much. Too big, too loud, too much stuff stacked everywhere, Too. Many. PEOPLE.

I'm not a people person at the best of times, but when I'm really anxious it's just godawful. The simplest conversations with strangers are torture. You just slap a smile on your face and hope you don't say anything too ghastly before you can safely escape to an aisle where there's only yourself (and your Patrick, if you're me). I've started canceling outings with people because I just can't stand the thought of having to interact with so many people at once. Two is almost too much. I made it through my friend Autumn's last Craft Night, which she so graciously invited me to, and it was fun, but I was so conflicted about going because I didn't know if I could deal with it. And I even genuinely LIKE these people! So if I cancel something with you or don't call on the phone or whatever, please don't take it personally. It's not you, it's me. I swear.

In the meanwhile, I am trying to calm the hell down on my own. I've been smearing scented products on myself like mad at home, and it's sort of soothing. I probably smell like some sort of hippie fruit basket every night, but I don't care. I can't believe there's a chance we might get snow sometime this week. I'm sure it'll melt instantly upon hitting the ground, but still. I suppose now I'm going to have to prune my fuchsia for the winter. Sigh.

Bloody weather.