I actually feel better today!

I attribute the shortness of this depressive cycle to the stability and security my life has now. It's so much worse when you're alone. Or when you feel alone, despite having someone around.

I felt pretty bad until we got home and Patrick's company (and your wonderful comments, all you stellar ladies, THANK YOU) slowly started working on me. I can't tell you what a difference it makes not having someone asking you why you're acting this way, or what's wrong with you. Being with a partner who understands you and is content to just love you and let your emotions do what they have to do without badgering you to be someone you're not is near-miraculous. Friends who send you love and shine light into your black little pit help so much, even if they're far away. Getting back into my little sanctuary at home, where I could just be myself and not have to wear my Out In Public Face helped too.

We had a totally unhealthy dinner, with edamame, hummus, chips, salsa, milk, and chocolate covered fortune cookies with love messages inside to top it all off. Sometimes you just need a thrown together meal of tasty stuff, eaten while sitting on top of the kitchen counter in your jammies, to make you feel better. I was wearing slippers, for added effect.

I actually did talk about my feelings and issues for a while, and Patrick was good enough to listen. Usually I think I have nothing to say, but then I remember that I spent so long being put down for it that thinking I'm wordless is just a reflex. God, I am so lucky I married this man. That was the best decision I ever made. He listens to me, respects me, and does everything possible to be an amazing husband.

Later he lulled me to sleep by playing Skyrim. Yes, that game is boring enough to watch that we use it as a sleep aid. I am not kidding. Every time he turns it on I find myself wanting to drool on a pillow. DULL. How interesting can it really be to sift through the 347th burial urn in search of some piddly amount of gold? And this is coming from someone who beat Morrowind and all its expansions. He also fought walruses. Walri? Something like that. Anyway, watching it totally makes me narcoleptic, so I snuggle up on the bed behind him while he plays it and after I've dozed for a while he'll rouse me, shoo off the cat pile and help me into our actual bed. Works better than Ambien half the time. Must be more exciting if you're actually playing it.

Oh, and after I revived enough to not hate life and everything in it, I tried on my Super Fancy Valentine's Lingerie Husband Surprise. Gloriously, it fit! Granted, this isn't exactly something that you'd have to be a waif to cram yourself into, but I don't care. It fit, and I'm happy. Plus it's actually cute. I decided to get something because I thought it'd be romantic and all the other stuff I had was either stained with age (why does age make things an icky orange-y yellow?) or hideous. I think Younger Me must've thought bargain bins were a good place to buy intimates at one point. Silly Younger Me. This new thing is adorable and classy looking, so I was happy. Yay!

It's interesting how your choices change depending on your mental state. For the past few days I'd been wearing outfits with a lot of red in them, since I got kind of fixated on that color during my hypomania. Following the crash, I went immediately back to dark colors. I'm still wearing them, having switched out ruby earrings for black pearls (Note: I'm not rich. The ruby ones were a gift from a family friend, and the black pearls were bought years ago in Mexico, where they're a whole lot cheaper.), and these are much more normal for me. Jeans, sneakers and this are what I'm wearing today:

I love this sweatshirt. It's so comfortable, and it is very slimming. My color pattern looks slightly different, but you get the idea.

Totally more normal than a crap ton of red on me. It always goes like that, though. I inevitably wear much brighter colors when I'm feeling euphoric. I guess it's not surprising, but it is kind of fun to observe that sort of cyclical behavior in yourself (if you can remove yourself enough from the situation to do so).

I had a killer headache last night before we got home. I wonder if the migraines with auras, the borderline, and the bipolar II are all tied together. I suppose it would make sense. If something is wired a little wonky in your head, it would follow that all the weird little problems you have are probably linked to it in some way, and comorbidity with mood disorders is extremely common, likely for this reason. Fortunately I had some good pain meds remaining, and those quieted it down for the most part.

Thank you all again for your love and support. You mean the world to me!