Pretending to be rich in Pottery Barn

I sat down on a deeply overpriced chair and lounged indolently. Patrick sprawled in the one next to me.

Me: "What do you think we should do with our bathtub full of money?"
Patrick: "Maybe we should drive down the freeway and throw it out the window."
Me: "That would be festive. All the green."
Patrick: "Mmhmm."
Me: "This chair is really overpriced. And it says As Is. What do you think is wrong with it?"
Patrick: "Probably people like us sitting on it."

We also found some candles with music-y looking business on the outside. This is how musicians ruin holiday decor.

Me: "What're you doing?"
Patrick: "Trying to see if there's an actual tune on it. Look at this, there's a natural sign where there isn't even a note."
Me: "What the hell kind of key is B sharp? I was pretty sure people just referred to that as C."
Patrick: "This doesn't make any sense. All of these notes they've got here, that would sound horrible. E, B and E-sharp? Ugh."
Me: "This is why I never closely examine holiday decorations. You either wind up finding lies or huge dead arachnids."