Two things I liked today, along with some ramblings

This is a real place. It's in Antrim, Ireland:

And in a world obsessed with size (I say this as a curvy girl who will never be stick-thin no matter how little she eats), we have some perspective:

She might not be the best at spelling, but she's got her priorities straight.

I'm still feeling down and pretty anxious today, but the sobbing business was over as of Friday. My face is still swelling up every time I eat something, and we are on day 4.5 of antibiotics. I'm to call them back if it continues into Thursday, so let's all cross our fingers and hope it goes away.

Tomorrow is the appointment for what I hope will be some sort of anti-anxiety medication. Wish me luck, I could use it. These things always terrify me. I feel like I shouldn't complain because, hey, I don't live in Rwanda and I'm not getting raped every morning. I have a lot to be grateful for. I live in a warm, safe house, I have food and clean water, and I am not desperate for money or have any really serious health problems.

I guess it's a First World problem, this luxury of trying to treat mental issues. I'm sure they happen in other parts of the world too, places where the people who live there are not lucky enough to have funds or resources to help their mental problems. It can't be only in the First World.

I think I'm just arguing with myself. I suppose my problem is that I feel bad for even thinking I HAVE a problem. Even though it's obviously impacting my quality of life. See, that's one of the fun things about borderline. You spend a lot of time feeling like you're bad, evil, whatever. That you don't deserve to complain about anything because you aren't worth anything.  I used to hear my brain thinking at me all the time that I should just die and go to hell because I belonged there. That gets old in a hurry, let me tell you. I never feel judgmental of other people's mental issues, whether they seek treatment or not. I just judge myself.

I was staring at myself in the mirror on our bedroom closet last night, and it was actually really creepy. If you get close enough and stare into your own eyes, it's like you have no idea who is looking back at you. Maybe I just have a scary face? Hah. I actually had to shake my head and look away at one point because it was so intense. I wonder why...

Anyway, I guess all this is to say that I would really like to feel less on edge all the time, and to not have any more panic attacks. Whether they involve gasping for air, wanting to throw up in the middle of the night, or sobbing uncontrollably, they are bad for me and they're making my life worse. So it's worth it to me to try getting rid of them, even if there are some side effects. I'm hoping for something that will make the day-to-day anxiety less and then something that I can take when I'm having an attack. Hopefully the latter will be fast-acting (under half an hour if possible). It doesn't happen every day, or even every week, but it would be nice to have something for when it does occur.

Thank you all for your support. I'm really grateful for all of you, and I wish you only the best. I wish ME only the best, too! ;) Hopefully we will all spend the latter portion of this year and all the ones to come as well as we can possibly be.

Cheers.